An American Hillbilly in South Africa

An American Hillbilly in South Africa

Writing home to my mother in the 

Ozark Mountains of America

Dear Ma,

I am writing this slowly because I know you can’t read too fast. 

Money has been tight lately so I applied for a job at a wildlife safari park. My job would be to circumcise the elephants. They told me it doesn’t pay much but the tips are enormous! 

Some folks here in SA just don’t have proper manners. I opened the door for a lady today and she called me a “DONKEY”! I said, “Lady I know I got big ears but you got a bit of a horse face yourself! Someone told me she meant thank you. Well I hope horse face means your welcome. 

Has Pa gone on that diet yet? In your last letter you told me he was getting so fat he had to put on his belt with a boomerang. Last time I saw him I was driving in the parking lot at Walmart when he walked out the door and was going to his car. I tried to drive around him but I ran out of gas. I will pray for him. 

The weather here is warm and wonderful although it does get very windy. It was so windy yesterday I saw an ostrich lay the same egg three times.

The language here is mighty peculiar. I got kicked out of a restaurant this weekend. I heard a man talking loudly in Afrikaans and I thought he was choking on his KFC so I tried to give him the Heimlich maneuver. He didn’t appreciate me trying to save his life. 

The doctors here are a bit unusual. I went to see a doctor because I had a sore throat. He told me to go to the window and stick out my tongue. I asked, “How will that help you diagnose my illness?” He said, “It won’t but I’m mad at the guy across the street.”

I better close for now as we are about to have a thing called load shedding and the power will go out. I know you’re wondering what is load shedding, but you wouldn’t believe me if I told you.

Your Loving Son of South Africa,

Perk

ps. I was going to send you a hundred dollars but I had already sealed the envelope.